notes in hotel paper

underneath the clouds

2009-06-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

I've been longing for a stormy day since summer began, I guess i got it. I find storms and cloudy days very profound, during these darker-than-usual moments, I can reflect and think about things... y'know?
I can let out what's inside of me. I don't cry, but I could stare outside for hours and drown in deep thoughts. I guess I could say, I'm happy when it rains.

smiles from heartache

2009-06-29T08:45:00.000-07:00

This year has been quick, and many things have changed. I've fallen in and out of love. Been involved in some kind of drama. But I've grown for the better, I think. There are many many things this past year that I never ever want to relive. But I'm pretty thankful for what I've gained.
I had my share of ups and downs. I've had trust issues, maybe I still do. But step-by-step I'm growing out my shell. I think this year was a breakthrough for me, for many reasons I have yet to identify. But to make it easier I've made a list of all the things I've learned.

I've learned...

to relax a little
to see through people
to look at the bright side
to live every moment of my life fully
not to care what others think of me
not to trust just anyone, because some people are just made up of lies
to express what I feel
that taking people for granted is never a good thing

To sum it all up, this year was a disastrously fun year and I wouldn't have done it any differently.

Six

2009-03-01T16:19:00.000-08:00

Six months, two days, nineteen hours, twenty minutes since I realized I love you. I'm a mess, too much of a mess for you to even notice. I can hardly breathe without you, I can't be me without you, the word 'me' is nto even familiar anymore. I get cold feet, I give cold shoulders, I'm stubborn. I'm not perfect, I'm actually full of flaws. The list of things that I could write of why I think you could never be with someone like me is just endless. I can't get enough of you, chills run through my spine everytime I see you smile. Your happiness is more of a priority than my own, I learned to put someone else before myself for the first time.

I can take the pain, trust me. For the longest time, that's all I ever felt. Everyday my situation gets worse, do you know how much it stings when I see you love him? Do you know how many times I felt the pain of heartbreak? Do you know how numb I get whenever I see you? So many questions you haven't even notice, it seems to me that your heart cease to exist sometimes. I will never blame you though. I never asked to love me back.

-----

One day, one blink. I'll already be gone.

Gone

2009-02-27T22:11:00.000-08:00

I don't think I can manage finishing a day thinking of you.
I want to leave all this behind, but something like that won't happen without something being said and done. All this words that I write, the words I can never say to your face. I can tell how much better you're doing with that certain other. I want to wish you well, but that would be just another lie I can tell myself. I just don't want to be the guy who sits next to you, I want to be the guy lying next to you. I can't help but give you my love, something that I know that you'll never return back. My chest feels this sudden numbness whenever I see you two. I guess all I can do is just stay away, be gone.

Dusk

2009-01-25T11:43:00.000-08:00

I spend every second thinking about those wonderful eyes that reminds me of an early afternoon dusk. But after about half of that second I keep falling into the thought of you two happy, carefree of what the world might think. I just want you to be happy, and he makes you happy. I've accepted the fact that I wasn't the one for you, and you deserved better than this craphole of a guy. I've accepted that in order for you to be happy, I must give my happiness up. At the end of the day, I always see your face content, at last. And I forget how much it hurts to see that you're happy with someone else. You were never mine, and now's the time to accept that..

Fall

2009-01-22T10:48:00.000-08:00

Hours passed by, days passed by, weeks passed by.

I never wanted this in the first place, if i had a choice, I wouldn't want a heart if it only caused me so much pain. I'm pretentious, I'm unreal, I'm human. I concealed the feelings inside that I no longer found a way it let it out. I feel imprisoned in this cage, like a helpless bird unable to fly. I fell too deep into those eyes of yours, that I can't even find a way to get out. Never have I felt so low, down and unhappy. I was in agony, not physically but mentally. I am an inch close to becoming insane. Wait.. that was a lie I'm already insane.

Fix

2009-01-07T18:32:00.000-08:00

Help me mend this broken heart..
I just want to be happy again.

Fragile

2009-01-06T16:40:00.000-08:00

My heart felt like it was going to burst into a million pieces. It was like someone decided to rip out my heart out of my chest and step on it with massive force. I never knew I could feel so much pain. Something inside me felt weak, helpless.. vulnerable. I know I shouldn't be feeling any of this, because I knew.. I thought I knew for a fact that I didn't care for you anymore. I'm forgetting to fake smile when you're around, because the truth is I'm in love, deeply and terribly in love with you. But the courage never came around..

I never really knew or even thought about it but it's true regret always comes in the end..

Shift

2008-12-31T13:55:00.000-08:00

"It started with a smile, and ended with a smile.."

The wishes I've made, the terrible things I've done.. things I have regretted. Looking back on this so called first 'love', I'll probably ask myself was it really love? I've completely evolved from an immature child to an understanding individual. From what I've seen, all I did when I started this was whine about stupid things. Now I can often let out my mind in here, be myself. Talk some truth once in awhile.

Maybe the obstacles I've gone through this year were the only reason that I found myself. Found who I really was. I'm more content than ever, I don't need to ask for more. I'm done being the pretentious little kid that I've grown into. It's a new start, new beginning.

Real

2008-12-23T17:15:00.000-08:00

"Realizing the truth, means facing reality.."

I can't face anymore fakeness in life. It's really catching up to me, the lies, the truth, everything. I can't do anything to stop it. I've lied or schemed through things this passed year that I don't even know what's real anymore. I've lost my sense of reality, I'm drowning in lies. I want to change, for the better.. but the only way to do that is to forget what's happened in the past and face what's coming with the truth. From now on, no more lies.

Raindrops

2008-12-19T12:42:00.000-08:00

"Every raindrop that falls reminds me of you.."

The remainder of the days I thought of you always led me to think that we'd somehow be together.
I'm not sure whether I really loved you, the way I thought I did, or maybe I just liked the idea of loving you, 'cause it made everything easier for me.. I was unhappy for so many reasons, when there's really nothing to be unhappy about. I'm selfish, and I know. I write this because for the first time, I want to face reality. Throughout this whole time, I have changed. I went from being a lovestruck teenager, to a raging shitface, to a regular human being. Who knows what I'll be in a year, two years all I know is that starting today.. I want to be true to myself, be me for once.

Function

2008-12-18T21:09:00.000-08:00

"We're like a bicycle's wheels, neither one of us will be able to function without each other.."

I have always believed that I wouldn't be able to live without your love, your touch, your lovely smile. But I thought wrong. I taught my heart to love, love so much that I wasn't even thinking of myself anymore. I knew love was a change, I embraced the change until I realized I was losing myself to the unkind difficulty of loving you. But that's all over.. now and forever.

Decent

2008-12-13T12:30:00.000-08:00

No more worries.
No more hatred.
No more loving you.
I'm tired of everything..

I just want to live a decent life.
I want to be happy, once again.
It's time to forget, time for that new start I've been longing for.
So I guess this is goodbye..

Embrace

2008-12-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

All I need is you.
Just you.

I'm afraid to admit it,
but I think I'm in love with you.
And I know it's too late..
way too late...

Resentment

2008-12-08T13:33:00.000-08:00

My day was filled with random hate. I couldn't stand being the one at fault. I almost bursted into a complete rage. I was unconditionally in love with her ways and I was completely struck into thinking I was the one who started this. I hid it well, or atleast I thought I did. So what am I complaining about, wasn't this what I wanted in the fist place.

I couldn't find anything wrong with her, her face was perfectly still and I got a 'whatever' glance. I was ready to talk, but she disappeared like I was just seeing a mirage. Her skin was no lighter than mine, compared to her I looked like a fluorescent light. I didn't think it would get to a point where I'd hate myself for resenting her, for a complete nothing. This was just another failed attempt to fix my broken soul, I want to feel whole again, and not scattered like she had made me feel. I have this compassion for her but I was too petrified to even go there. I just lost the chance of a lifetime, so now what?

Impasse

2008-12-07T19:18:00.000-08:00

I dreamed of something that night. I saw a girl, no, a woman. She was trying to warn me. But the volume of her voice was no less than a whisper. What was it about? From what what my outlook of life, alot of things can go wrong. Overanalysis of things is what I've been always good at. And you ask why I have not much of a life. This was different from every other dream. I just knew it was different, from her unfamiliar hushly voice. All I saw from her was her long perfectly dark wavy hair, well from the back view of it. I was unable to speak, nor move, I was stuck. Just when I almost believed there was no escape, thinking this situation might've been an impasse, the sound of my irratating alarm clock woke me. That was the day I learned to love the sound, more like noise, of my beloved alarm clock.

I was afraid I wasn't going to ever wake. I was very much aware that these things happen, sleeping and next thing you know you're in a casket. I always was aware of every possibility of doing certain things, I tend to overthink. But it seems to work for me, just me. I never understood how my brain worked. I probably never will.

Dissapperance

2008-12-02T19:44:00.000-08:00

Memories, all of it.
It's all disappearing, slowly.
I'm finally getting over you.
I'm not as vulnerable around you, as before.
I just can't explain how glad I am..
Not because I regreted the feelings I had.
But 'cause I was able to be myself once again.
The lamesauce annoying old me.

Recovering from you wasn't easy..
It wasn't, trust me.
But I'm just happy for you and I..
'Us' just never existed. And I'm sincerely happy I finally did.
I hope you are too...

:)

Confusion

2008-11-28T18:31:00.000-08:00

What a frustrating week.
And I feel weak.
Is it just you?
Or am I just blue?

--

A blur, that's the perfect word to describe everything.
I try to be like a complete assface when she's around..
And not talking to her seems to be working fine for now.
I can't even imagine how I can contain myself,
If I could I just would want to hug her, love her as much as I can.
Like she deserves to.

Needs

2008-11-20T18:50:00.000-08:00

In special need of psychiatric help.

going crazy, all over again.
lack of sleep results this.
better get some serious rest..

--

winter love.
first snowfall of the year,
and it only reminds me of you..
just you.

For the better

2008-11-13T22:27:00.000-08:00

I did everything for the better.
I did it for the better of things, because you and I can never be a 'we'.
I did it because I still care for you, just a tad bit more than I should..

:/

Missed chances..

2008-11-13T19:05:00.000-08:00

Today all I could think about was the 'what if's of life.
It flew through my head and I can't seem to get it out.
As of this second there are 6,707,580,777 people in the world, and one of those people is 'the' one.
What if your supposed soulmate is the person who sat right in front of you in the bus?
What if you walked passed by them and you never knew?
What if the girl who you help with homework everyday is the one?
What if you're never to find anyone?

All this unanswered question flowing through my mind,
And there is nothing I can do to answer it..
Nothing.

--

guess i just have to wait

Just about right

2008-11-12T18:35:00.000-08:00

Today was just like yesterday but only better.
I keep realizing how lucky we all are because we have certain things,
that others usually only dream about and we don't even appreciate it.
I keep realizing things since I've changed my outlook on life, or so I think so..
Do you even realize how many times you use the word 'I' in one day.
And that we rarely use the terms 'we', why is that..?

We always get caught up in our own little worlds that we forget about others
Others who hunger for food, and need shelter, that we all are given to in a silver platter.
Everything is given to us in a blink of an eye that we forget how to appreciate.
How to thank..

We sometimes may think that thinking is highly overrated,
but it is what brings our mind to certain facts that keep us sane.
Making sense of all this crap might be confusing.

Point is, we need remember..
Remember to appreciate what we have and focus less on what we don't have..
Because the day may come when all the things around us is all that's left..
Nothing more.

--

Lack of inspiration is what I've been suffering from these past few days..
So bare with me..

Over by now,

2008-11-05T19:54:00.000-08:00

Days have gone by, thoughts have flown through my head.
Loneliness is all I've felt, but it's over.
They say life is supposed to be lived to the fullest, and it should.
For once, I just want to be happy,
I want to be able to laugh again without anymore worries.
And now I am..

I ask myself how I could've ever doubted my ability to go through anymore hardships,
but that's when I realized they made me stronger.
No more hate, and no more love.
Just this time, I'd like not to think about myself.
and start thinking of everyone else..
It's time to think about the world

--

Another phase of my life has just begun..

The end is near..

2008-11-03T15:50:00.000-08:00

It's come to this.. I just wanna say everything to her. Like now.. but I can't.

"I'm completely falling for you and I can't seem to stop.
My heart beats faster than the speed of a bullet when you're around.
I just wanted you to know.. that I'm in love with you..
I just want you to know that, even if you don't feel the same way..
I completely understand, I just can't keep lying around thinking of you every minute of everyday and not say anything.. I just wanted you to know how I feel.
I hope this doesn't change anything, I hope it stays the same.."

that's how I want to tell her..

but I never seem to have the courage..

Keeps me busy..

2008-10-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

Luckily this week is going by fast, being busy keeps me from thinking about this chaotic life of mine..
I enjoy drowning myself in work, homework, etc etc.,
I kinda like getting busy, I managed to not think about what I feel because I worry about the shitload of work I have to hand in by next week. Midterm is here, and I can not get any happier, halfway done the semester, which means bye bye Mathematics.. See you next year~
Yes, I hate it that much. :)

That said, I might not post 'til Thursday/Friday, planning on changing things up a bit..
Btw, thank you friends. You keep me sane.

If I didn't have people and shitload of work around me I'd probably go back to my emo days..
haha, such awkward times.. XD

Anyways, getting tired.
Have to go to sleep..
Test tomorrow. D:

Peace,

Even til' tomorrow

2008-10-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

"When I heard the sound of crackling leaves, every memory flashed before my eyes as if everything just happened yesterday"

As much as I'd like to tell myself I've completely forgotten, I won't just because I'd be lying to myself.
It wasn't that hard to fall, to fall in the hands of someone you trusted, someone you trusted with your heart

I never seemed to open my eyes in the inconvenient truth, that 'we' will never exist.
The fact is I probably knew it all along but I just told myself what I wanted to hear..
I saw it coming, the sadness, the sorrow, everything.. but I just couldn't stop myself from believing.

If feelings were as easy to erase as a pencil mark, I probably would've done it along time ago
It's another one of those 'should've, could've, would've' things that has happened in the past,
if you actually saw everything coming before it actually happened, you would've changed things..

--

"I would rather much wait for her to come to me rather than coming to her, 'cause I'll know that she came back for me.."

The bitch of living

2008-10-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

"Fatty foods, you're my bestfriend :)"

I can't keep going through this everyday, being the guy in background and never knowing if i'll ever be in the foreground.. Thus, a decision should be made:
-either try to forget
-or come clean and risk everything & get rejected, for sure.

not that easy is it?

Feeling like crap is my experty, with that being said you must be getting the glimpse of how crappy I feel everyday. I know I'm sounding pretty selfish talking about all this bullshit you probably don't even care about, so bare with me. Writing about all this helps relieve the shit-phase i'm going through... so if you're wondering why i'm doing this, then there you go.

Btw, just broke a virtue of mine. Trying not to say 'bad' words. :D
lol, atleast I'm not completely awful, I try to do good things at the least./

--

If you're wondering what would happen if I did tell her, I don't know either, and I guess we never will...

..,

Just another day

2008-10-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

I thought there was school today, I almost got dressed 'cause I thought I was gonna be late..

---

My day started out at noon -yes i'm a bum-, what can I say i like to sleep just like everyone.
I avoided thinking today, thinking about, thinking about tomorrow and thinking of her.
But seriously, I failed miserably.

On a side note, I managed to finish all my homework for the weekend.
I was forced, my math teacher turns into the hulk, you know..

I kinda have nothing to talk about today, my day was blank.
I did nothing but eat and sleep like the usual.
I don't even know what the usual is.
Everything is changing rapidly that I can never seem to catch on.

Change isn't really a good friend of mine. I hate change.
Well, just probably the bad change.
I exaggerated.
But everything has to change eventually, right?

..

[PS: last post was a mess, it sounded so unfinished. I wrote it at 2am, so forgive me XD]

Thoughts and more thoughts

2008-10-18T22:41:00.000-07:00

My life isn't really that complicated.
I have that daily routine going on just like all of you do.

On the side note I sometimes make up my own world/book idea while lying down in my bed,
while also imagining how things are going to turn out tomorrow.
Yes, like a retardo.

--

I'm kinda invisible, no one can probably see or notice me -unless i say 'hi', obviously- at school.
I can get through one whole day without talking to someone, -by the way I have friends I'm not a total psycho loner, you know..

Just trying to say that I don't rely on people to make me happy -until she came along.

She - she's one of the few people that can make me happy.
Or laugh for one thing.. I can talk to her about any random topic and make a 1-2 pages long of a conversation.
I feel that I can trust her with anything, and apparently even my heart.
[PS: I can be really cheesy sometimes, mostly when I talk about her.. so forgive me.]

I tried to avoid her once, didn't work quite well.
probably can't get through a day without seeing her face -on the days that she isn't there I feel like I'm losing something to look forward to through the day-

So this is getting pretty long, better end this before everyone falls asleep.

-- if you haven't noticed yet, this is a post that's mostly about her.. I probably make one once a week just to bore you all to tears C:

One on one..

2008-10-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

"I think of you every minute of every hour of everyday, and I've been meaning to tell you something.. and that's -"

Yeah, that's how i always imagined of how I would say it to her..
kinda lame huh? Which by the way I never told her.. yet.

I created this blog to express things, say things that well... I don't say usually.
It's not like anyone's gonna read this..

This first post is kinda an intro before I rant about random things that I..
hate, like and possibly love..

This kinda wraps up the introduction.. I will remain mysterious and anonymous.. -lol obviously-

[PS: Just so you all know or if you've missed the hints, I AM A GUY- probably the first time any guy has done this, so SHUT UP- and I can be illiterate alot of times so if there's any spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, that's what I'm gonna be referring to.. :).]